The Operating Theater

your questions about life's minor queries or major conundrums. He will consider your question profoundly and respond in an honest, efficacious manner. But be careful what you ask for; though names shall be kept private to protect the innocent (and naïve), your question and answer may be published here for all to see.

Dear Doctor Schuler,

Your Name (as you wish it to appear):

Email address (if you want a reply):

***

Dear Doctor Schuler:

Will their be a nuclear attack in the greater New York area and, more import
antly, when?

Sincerely,
Batman's cousin

Dear Bat Cousin,

As long as you don't get a hold of any uranium, I feel pretty safe. But seriously, the answer to your question is actually, no. There won't be a nuclear attack in the greater New York area. According to my lawyer, there is a supervolcano under the surface of Yellowstone National Park that will probably erupt and blot out the sun over the western hemisphere, slowly killing us all. Personally, I think you should be more concerned about global warming and the increased number of hurricaines likely to move up the east coast; not to mention the likelihood of a major earthquake. I hope this puts your mind at ease.

Respectfully,

***

Dear Doctor Schuler:

Will the strange mark that was found on my right buttock at birth ever fade away, or at least will it change forms so that it no longer resembles a disfigured werewolf? it is preventing me from having sensual relations of any kind, for all who see it become terribly depressed.

i await your reply. you are my only hope.

Satana

Dear Satana,

It was once believed that if a woman was, frightened by an animal during pregnancy, that she would produce a child with the characteristics of that animal. Such might have been believed to be the case of Larry and Danny Ramos Gomez, The Wolf Boys of the Mexican International Circus. They were born with a condition known as hypertrichosis and are covered from head to toe in hair. They were adopted by the circus when Larry was 9 and Danny 6. You can read about Larry on his wife Nadine’s webpage at: circusfolks.com/apub/bio
and see that his condition has not kept him from living a full and happy life.
To make a long story short, when you learn to love the werewolf birthmark, you’ll learn to love yourself.

Herzlichst,

***

Dear Doctor Schuler:

Will Fielding Motlave ever want to see me again?

Muchos besitos,
Whatsit

Dear Whatsit,

I don’t know this so-called "Fielding Motlave", but I have to advise that you’d be best not to associate with this person. I believe that you can tell a lot about a person by their name, Whatsit, and after extensive Internet research, I can tell you that Mr. Fielding Motlave’s father is likely of Icelandic, Polish, or Hungarian descent. Certainly respectable ancestries, all, but the family name Motlave means, in Icelandic: motley or promiscuous; in Polish: tomfool; and in Hungarian: gaudy, feculent flapdoodle. This does not bode well for Fielding’s family’s reputation. Fielding’s first name is Old English for field, which is likely where his motley father sowed his oats. I would also like to add that his name has a striking cadence similar to some people who have sent me emails recently, including: Lettice Lupton, Zygote E. Wisteria, Aristocles Harms, and Snapdragon Novella. As you can guess, these persons were trying to sell me erectile enhancement and lower mortgage payments…Motley, flapdoodles, every one.
Respectfully,

***

Dear Doctor Schuler,

Will I ever find true meaning and happiness in life?

Warmest regards,
KR

Dear KR,

What a good question! The short answer to your inquiry is NO. But the long answer is YYYEEESSS.
I believe that understanding the meaning of this life usually only occurs in reflection (meaning when you are dead, or close to it). But conversely, finding happiness is about not reflecting at all. Enjoying what exists without looking for it, finding joy in sorrow, for instance. In any case, I wish you all the happiness in the world, minus enough for me.

Tally Ho,

***

Herr Doctor,

Ven are yoo cominging back to Los Angelease to do anodda of yer great Dr. Schüler shows? Ve tink dat dose show aufen yers are wonderbar!

Averdersane,
Lonely in Los Angeles

Lieber Lonely,

Danke für Ihren freundlichen Vorwand. Ich würde lieben, nach Los Angeles zurückzukommen. Möglicherweise im neuen Jahr. Wenn Sie von irgendwelche freien Theater hören, senden Sie bitte einen anderen Brief s.b.w.m.

Herzlichst,

***

Dear Doctor Schüler,

What's up with this?

Sincerely,
Concerned Patron

Dear Concerned Patron,

I am glad that you have asked. It is an exciting series of interactive events planned for the Operating Theater, in our never ending quest to help people through the medicine of entertainment. I have been toiling away in my secret catacombs for far too long and look forward to once again greeting the public. I only hope that there are still those whom my research will help. I encourage your further questions.

Indubitably,

your questions about life's minor queries or major conundrums. He will consider your question profoundly and respond in an honest, efficacious manner. But be careful what you ask for; though names shall be kept private to protect the innocent (and naïve), your question and answer may be published here for all to see.
Dear Doctor Schuler,

Your Name (as you wish it to appear): Email address (if you want a reply):

***
	Dear Doctor Schuler: Will their be a nuclear attack in the greater New York area and, more import antly, when? Sincerely, Batman's cousin	Dear Bat Cousin, As long as you don't get a hold of any uranium, I feel pretty safe. But seriously, the answer to your question is actually, no. There won't be a nuclear attack in the greater New York area. According to my lawyer, there is a supervolcano under the surface of Yellowstone National Park that will probably erupt and blot out the sun over the western hemisphere, slowly killing us all. Personally, I think you should be more concerned about global warming and the increased number of hurricaines likely to move up the east coast; not to mention the likelihood of a major earthquake. I hope this puts your mind at ease. Respectfully,
***
Dear Doctor Schuler: Will the strange mark that was found on my right buttock at birth ever fade away, or at least will it change forms so that it no longer resembles a disfigured werewolf? it is preventing me from having sensual relations of any kind, for all who see it become terribly depressed. i await your reply. you are my only hope. Satana	Dear Satana, It was once believed that if a woman was, frightened by an animal during pregnancy, that she would produce a child with the characteristics of that animal. Such might have been believed to be the case of Larry and Danny Ramos Gomez, The Wolf Boys of the Mexican International Circus. They were born with a condition known as hypertrichosis and are covered from head to toe in hair. They were adopted by the circus when Larry was 9 and Danny 6. You can read about Larry on his wife Nadine’s webpage at: circusfolks.com/apub/bio and see that his condition has not kept him from living a full and happy life. To make a long story short, when you learn to love the werewolf birthmark, you’ll learn to love yourself. Herzlichst,
***
	Dear Doctor Schuler: Will Fielding Motlave ever want to see me again? Muchos besitos, Whatsit	Dear Whatsit, I don’t know this so-called "Fielding Motlave", but I have to advise that you’d be best not to associate with this person. I believe that you can tell a lot about a person by their name, Whatsit, and after extensive Internet research, I can tell you that Mr. Fielding Motlave’s father is likely of Icelandic, Polish, or Hungarian descent. Certainly respectable ancestries, all, but the family name Motlave means, in Icelandic: motley or promiscuous; in Polish: tomfool; and in Hungarian: gaudy, feculent flapdoodle. This does not bode well for Fielding’s family’s reputation. Fielding’s first name is Old English for field, which is likely where his motley father sowed his oats. I would also like to add that his name has a striking cadence similar to some people who have sent me emails recently, including: Lettice Lupton, Zygote E. Wisteria, Aristocles Harms, and Snapdragon Novella. As you can guess, these persons were trying to sell me erectile enhancement and lower mortgage payments…Motley, flapdoodles, every one. Respectfully,
***
Dear Doctor Schuler, Will I ever find true meaning and happiness in life? Warmest regards, KR	Dear KR, What a good question! The short answer to your inquiry is NO. But the long answer is YYYEEESSS. I believe that understanding the meaning of this life usually only occurs in reflection (meaning when you are dead, or close to it). But conversely, finding happiness is about not reflecting at all. Enjoying what exists without looking for it, finding joy in sorrow, for instance. In any case, I wish you all the happiness in the world, minus enough for me. Tally Ho,
***
	Herr Doctor, Ven are yoo cominging back to Los Angelease to do anodda of yer great Dr. Schüler shows? Ve tink dat dose show aufen yers are wonderbar! Averdersane, Lonely in Los Angeles	Lieber Lonely, Danke für Ihren freundlichen Vorwand. Ich würde lieben, nach Los Angeles zurückzukommen. Möglicherweise im neuen Jahr. Wenn Sie von irgendwelche freien Theater hören, senden Sie bitte einen anderen Brief s.b.w.m. Herzlichst,
***
Dear Doctor Schüler, What's up with this? Sincerely, Concerned Patron	Dear Concerned Patron, I am glad that you have asked. It is an exciting series of interactive events planned for the Operating Theater, in our never ending quest to help people through the medicine of entertainment. I have been toiling away in my secret catacombs for far too long and look forward to once again greeting the public. I only hope that there are still those whom my research will help. I encourage your further questions. Indubitably,